| ... |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anticipatory | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire | ] |
this could be the start of something beautiful |
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| moving forward |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|04:01 pm] |
It's time to stop looking back. |
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| chasing nostalgia |
[Oct. 21st, 2008|01:17 am] |
Ok. I love to write. And I want to single-handedly resurrect livejournal. Maybe it's not really dead, but none of my friends use it. Except for Bria. Go Bria! So probably... nobody is reading this. Anyway. Life has been better. Than it is now. It's true. I feel like most people I know are in a slump right now. I think it's this college thing maybe.
It's time for me to give up. To stop caring. In a good way. My girlfriend broke up with me, the economy sucks, I don't really have friends, I have no idea what's gonna happen next year with my life, my room is a mess, I don't have reliable income, I have stupid responsibilities that I should never have agreed to... and on it goes. Things could be better in pretty much every facet of my life. BUT THE PHILLIES ARE PLAYING IN THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha. And nothing else matters. It's all going to pass. Life will be beautiful again (not just because of the Phillies).
Does it make sense to define happiness and then try to attain it? Maybe not.
I'm lonely. No hiding behind a relationship anymore. I just can't help but feel it's this place. This town. I had an awakening in high school where I started to socialize and discovered awesome people to hang out with. I discovered this crazy girl named Aven. Life went from pretty sucky to pretty awesome. Well. Now I've relapsed. I'm in a rut. And I can't help but feel that a change of scenery would be the best thing for me.
The end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|09:15 pm] |
so i'm getting a cell phone |
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| dream |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|11:14 am] |
Last night I dreamed that I died. I'm not sure how I died, I just remember that I was in a pile of dead bodies. I was somehow looking at my dead body and wondering if I was gonna open my eyes and still be alive, but it never happened. And then I was in the afterlife. At first I thought it was heaven but I realized that it was probably the world of spirits. And almost all my friends were there. I think we had all died in the same incident, whatever it was. I remember thinking about how the Writings say that our true internal self starts to show and we can't hide behind pretenses anymore, and I started to get really scared that I would start to act like a monster or something. There was a lot more that happened. One of my friends was convinced that he didn't exist anymore even though he was talking to me, because he didn't believe in life after death. It was a pretty vivid dream. I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. Life after death is something I believe pretty strongly in, I guess. The way the Writings describe it makes pretty much sense, I guess, and it's what I've been raised to believe. That's kind of an interesting concept - raising your kids to believe something. What you believe really matters when it comes to raising kids. When we are little our parents tell us what they believe as if it is fact. "What happens when you die?" "You wake up in the world of spirits with celestial angels." Or if you were Buddhist or Hindu or something "You get reincarnated." But eventually the kid is gonna question everything they've been taught and probably rebel against it especially because their parents believe it. So what's the point? It's nice to feel safe and comforted as a kid I guess. I almost feel like it's harder to believe something if you've been raised to believe it because you always question whether you are just following your parents. And you look around and you realize that most Jewish kids become Jewish adults, most Muslim kids become Muslim adults, and a lot of Christian kids become Christian adults.
I'm just gonna end this entry abruptly because I don't know what else to say. My dad bought our family a pool table. That's pretty cool. Come on over and play pool with me sometime. Sweet. |
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| It's been awhile... |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|12:03 am] |
I haven't posted in awhile. So I am posting. Right now I am a B+ on a scale of F being dead in a ditch to A+ being moksha. My thoughts and feelings are pretty bipolar these days...yet at the same time I sometimes feel like I'm coasting through life without experiencing any strong emotion at all. Sometimes I enjoy the sadness and the quiet, because feeling sad is better than not feeling anything. It's not despair, but sort of a humbling sadness, as I think about my life and how much is ahead of me and how uncertain everything is.
I don't think I am very good at seeing the good in people. I tend to categorize people. And judge them. It is a bad habit.
It's hard to know how to make progress without knowing what direction to go in or what your reasons are for what you do. It's hard to figure out what to believe, why to believe it, and how to believe it. It's hard to know the difference between following good advice and living by other people's standards. Who is right? We all think we are right. We can't all be right.
Despite all these big questions, it's little pointless stupid things that bring me down these days. And only because I let them.
B+ is pretty good. I am dating Aven Rose and that is going well. It is a source of happiness in my life, and I think I am actively trying to keep it that way and keep it healthy.
Y'all should listen to Damien Rice's new cd. Stellar. |
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| Oh, What a Night... |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|12:26 am] |
Ohhhhh boy. I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. Some things are tough. But that's why there's a God. Because I can't do life on my own. I've tried. Now it's time to stop pretending. Life isn't about me. It's about God and it's about other people. I've been inside myself for too long. Hello everyone! I'm Caleb Schnarr. And I love you. All of you. Come give me a hug. :)
If you're reading this...thank you. For all of it.
Goodnight |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|12:18 pm] |
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I'm coming home tonight and so is everyone else! |
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| Yup |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|08:07 pm] |
Hello. Bryn Athyn can be pretty boring. Since Maple and everyone's been in Cali I've pretty much been working doing video stuff, doing scout stuff, talking to the gf, hanging out with other bored people occasionally, wasting time on the computer, eating food. Great. Now I'm leaving for Lake Wallenpaupack on Saturday, and I'm gonna be glad just to be somewhere else. Plus there's nothing really in Bryn Athyn for me to miss, so I'll just have fun chilling and water skiing. I wish I could remember all that crap we learned at Maple about being bored. I guess that means I'm boring. Prolly. There's lots of stuff I really should do. But I'm still bored. Oh and I turned 18. A couple days ago. This heat just kills your energy. And I've been getting up at 6:45 for the past two weeks, and that's killer. But the money's coming in, so that's good. Got tickets to Georgia. Can't wait. I think it's time to buy a tripod for my camera. I know which one I want, but just the head alone is $250. I really wish I had gotten obsessed with a video game these past couple weeks. I miss video games. Oh and we got a 360. But we don't have too many cool games yet. But it's pretty cool I guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|06:29 pm] |
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Feeling sweaty and slightly concussed. Stupid metal ducts. Wishing I could get out of the house. Stupid obligations. I had an alternately good/OK day. Happy thoughts... Concert. Georgia. Best Buy gift certificates. Maple. The tri-cam seminar shoot (so much fun). My dvx. Eagles season. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|09:53 am] |
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I'm home from Maple. It's weird. I'm busy. Aven's gone. I miss her. I got tickets to a concert in the mail today. My birthday is in 6 days. I'm stressed out. I can't wait to go to Georgia. Everyone's going to Cali. I'm gonna miss them. But I'll be working. Does anyone want to go see Circa Survive in concert for 13 bucks? Two extra tickets. Me and Ronnie Schnarr going so far. Have a good day everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|09:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Tool's New Album! | ] |
People really should follow through on their word. I'm gonna work on that more myself. Cause it pisses me off when I waste an afternoon sitting at home waiting for people to show up and do stuff, even if they're supposed to be showing up to do me a favor. Cause they did make an agreement. Anyway. I thought today would suck cause it would be busy, but it really sucked cause it wasn't busy and I didn't get anything done so I did nothing and will have to get stuff done later. Anyway. I went shopping and got some clothes and a swimsuit and stuff for Maple. And I got Tool's new album, 10,000 Days. The album case comes with these 3D glasses so you can look at the album art through them. It's pretty fricken sweet. So I'm listening to angry music, and I'm not sure if it's making me angry, but I'm gonna say no, cause I always argue with my dad that heavy music doesn't make me angry, so I better stick with that. Tomorrow I have crap to do from 9am till 4:30pm. I'm really glad I get to run away to Canada on Thursday. Oh yeah! Jenna called me today. It made me so happy. She hasn't even signed up for Maple yet, but she wants to go. I really hope she does. I never really thought about it before, but Jenna is probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's not like she's perfect, but she doesn't criticize people or judge them. At least that's what I think. The music i'm listening to is thundering, and it was confusing me cause i thought it was from outside.
...I'm really happy about stepping back and letting all the drama that seems to be developing in our little group pass me by. I mean, I'm sorry if people are upset, and if someone wants help or a listening ear, I'd be happy to do what I can, but I like to treat everyone as I know them personally, not as the group treats them or by what I hear people say about them. So I ate all my almond praline ice cream. Maybe I should end this now. Maybe I should change my userpicture. But I do have beautiful feet, don't I. I hope you were thoroughly entertained by this entry. Don't feel sorry for me if I sounded emo at all with all my complaining.
This album is really good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|12:56 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Portugal. The Man | ] |
This has been a stressful summer so far. Not what I planned. But it's mostly my fault. And it won't stay this way. So I'm not worried. I just hope I can forget about stuff at Maple. I also wish things didn't bother me so much. And that I didn't bother people so much some of the time. I always seem to be too hyper at the wrong time or too depressing at the wrong time. And I think I should be real more, and act like a little kid less. But really life is just fine. Great sometimes, just okay sometimes, rarely terrible. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|09:21 pm] |
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What's up everyone? It's been an interesting two weeks since school ended. I miss dormies. But there is one pretty good ex-dormie left in town. She's alright ;) Haha, but for real, I feel like I'm really getting to know Aven differently and in a much healthier way now that she's out of the dorm and we are out of school. It's less stressful. But we still do argue about stuff. Healthy arguing. I think it's a good thing. Working mornings has been great so far and I really don't mind it at all, but that could change later as certain things at work change and as I get more and more tired of sitting at a computer. The push to get my eagle continues, and I'm enjoying just about zero of it. But anyway. I think its felt like a smooth transition from school to summer partly cause I've maintained some sort of stress level and have been busy and there is a lot going on, but I hope I can stop and enjoy it sometime soon. Hmm...you really do learn a lot in relationships. It's great. I'm gonna miss it later this summer. I'm also learning that a lot of what you think of someone depends on your perspective, and you can often appreciate people from a different perspective if you don't appreciate them from your current one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|05:59 pm] |
Maybe I should have a lot to say. I haven't written one of these in awhile. But I prolly don't. We'll see. School's about to end. I'm pretty ready for that. Mostly just honors chemistry, but the whole thing is getting pretty old.
Sometimes I enjoy making myself suffer. I'll be walking to work in the 90 degree humidity thinking about how much it sucks and how much I'd rather be hanging out with friends, and then I'll just be like, haha this sucks isn't it great. Or doing chemistry homework, I just want to laugh about how much work I have to do and how little I understand what I'm doing. It's weird, and I'm sure I'm not explaining it right. Mainly its just a feeling of..."Adversity. Yes. It's good for me." I am really weird.
So I'm reading The Fountainhead for English. It's really interesting reading a book about characters that you don't respect at all or identify with. The book's supposed to be really intellectual, and the characters are all really clever and genius and stuff and plotting things and it's just like, "hey, you're smart, that's impressive, but you're a terrible person. you're really selfish." I think its really dumb when people think that how good you are at stuff or how intellectually superior you are is what really counts. Like yuou have to be a master of some art or something to be worht anything. I don't think the author is trying to say that high IQ's bring happiness, because the characters really aren't that happy, but it just annoys me how much they complicate life and think they're so great when they're just really self-centered and mean and annoying. It's a pretty good book, btw. haha.
So there's a lot of work to be done in the next week. i'm not too stressed out. I am kinda stressed out about getting my Eagle. I really just want to get it done with. I'm gonna have to put a lot of time into it after graduation if i plan to get this thing.
Social life and family life are both just sort of "eh". Both could stand to get better. But they could be worse. Well it's time for me to eat dinner now. THen comes a chem lab. Have a great day everyone.
-C.leb |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|07:39 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Moonlight Sonata | ] |
Sometimes I'm not very nice.
Sorry.
I hate being asked how I am doing, because I usually can't think of things to say, then I say that I'm fine, and they think I'm fake. But I'm really just bad at talking. I appreciate being asked cause it shows that people care, so I don't want them to stop. I just have to get good at answering that question or give up and be entirely fake. |
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